Mid-Life Crisis: Reason Numero Uno

My mid-life crisis officially started last month when I turned 48. As many who turn the mid-century mark, you wonder ‘where the hell did time go?’. In my mind, I am still at St.Aedans getting yelled at by Sister Catherine for standing too long by the pencil sharpener. Sister Catherine frowned upon socializing while sharpening. I was always guilty of the crime.

I still look somewhat the same from my college days and feel the same inside. I play video games,watch Beavis and ButtHead and still love ‘fart’ jokes. I can’t help it, I am my dad’s child. In our family we lived for fart jokes.

Physically though I can’t say I am the same. I have more aches and pains than Bon Jovi in an Advil ad. By the way, did he sell out or what? My boobs have officially joined my stomach in becoming one with the universe. I can’t even have a glass of wine now without falling asleep.Back in my college days, I held my liquor with the best of them.

All my melancholy has been brought on by one blaring reason, middle school. Ashley will attend Middle School next year. Oh my God, she will be going to middle school! Boys with raging hormones, girls with short skirts and make-up and puberty sprouting all over the hallways. I can’t bear the thought of dances and texting. Why do they text so much anyway? Isn’t talking on the phone like we did much better?

She still plays with dolls and watches Spongebob. She thinks boys are cute as well as icky. I told her she is not allowed to kiss a boy until she is in college. For some stupid reason she agreed. The joke is on her! More likely the joke will be on me. She will probably break that one by the end of sixth grade. Oh god, smelly stinky boys(no offense to the mothers of boys, I give you permission to say the same about girls). I don’t think I will be able to handle this.

I have been a ‘helicopter’ mom for the past eleven years. When she was a toddler, I used the ‘kid leash’ because I was terrified of her getting away from me and I couldn’t catch her. I became homeroom mom to follow her when she started Kindergarten. I still drive her to school and when she is outside playing, I annoy her at least four to six times to make sure she is okay. I am not ready to let go. How am going to let go? If I am this emotional about middle school, can you friggin imagine how I will be when she leaves for college? I will probably grab her ankles and scream ‘Taking me with you’ while she tells me to stop embarrassing her. Don’t even mention the phrase ‘Drivers License’.

Do you think colleges will let me rent a room on campus? Oh never mind, just get me a bottle of wine. I am going to start drinking like it’s 1985!

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